23 March 2010

Blogging While Bummed

I try not to wallow in self-pity, but I admit that yesterday afternoon I put my feet in and swished them around a little. I usually don't post to my blog when I'm feeling picked on because, frankly, I usually don't much want to. I didn't really much want to write anything yesterday, either, so I don't know why I did.

It wasn't even self-pity, really; I just felt sad. I knew we wouldn't have Ernie around for much longer, but I felt sad to have it confirmed. I don't have much mobility left in my hands and arms, but I felt sad to acknowledge that I'm losing what little I have. I had been looking forward to seeing some of our greyhound friends last Sunday, and felt sad that I wasn't able to do that.

I've never been a particularly social person. I worked from home for years without ever really missing the interaction with coworkers in the office. Scarecrow has always been the party animal in our family, not me. Even so, I'm feeling a little desperate to get out of the house. As much as I love Scarecrow and Tuffy, when I see anyone else I pounce on them and desperately try to talk them to death. I almost feel like I've forgotten how to have a normal conversation with normal people. I realize this is largely my own darn fault. The prospect of dealing with durable medical equipment providers is offputting, so I kept putting it off. But it's time. I've got a call into the wheelchair guy, and we'll see what he comes up with.

In other news, my Long Term Disability insurance provider needs another statement from my doctor confirming that I'm still disabled. They say the most recent appointment they have information about was last August. I've explained that I last saw the doctor in August, I have no appointments scheduled, and no particular reason to go. My condition hasn't changed (other than to continue to progress). They say my failure to return an Attending Physician Statement by March 30 will "result in closure of this claim." I'm just guessing, here, but if I called today to get a non-emergency appointment with my neurologist, I could probably see her sometime in July. If I was lucky.

We went through this whole thing in October. Are we going to do it every couple of months for the next 10 years?

It never fails. Nothing snaps me out of a blue funk like getting really pissed off!

I just saw a bald eagle fly past my window. Geez, they're big birds!


  1. Does your neurologist have an ARNP? A lot of times you can get in to see them much more quickly and my disability insurance will take their statements just as they do the M.D.

  2. Zoom, I know one MS Neurologist I saw had a social worker do a lot of the disability paperwork. So like Tippy suggested, maybe an ARNP, MSW or someone else can expedite this. Good luck with the LTD muttonheads.

    Sorry you missed the st(roll) around Green Lake. I know it's a big deal if I miss the very few outlets I have now. I too wonder about my ability to carry on a normal conversation anymore. I feel a rather large gulf.

    The hands and arms, well, that's a loss to be unapologetically grieved.

  3. The sadness knowing that our trusted pals are going to be around soon is one of those emotional deals that I do not handle well. Instant funk each and every time it happens.

    The crap with the disability just torks me. I have heard this theme over and over again. I mean I don't get why they make it such a stressing over the top nightmare?

    I have always been kind of a loner myself. Not anti sociable but you figure my favorite past times -bicycling, motorcycling, fishing etc while involve others are more solitary in nature.

    It has been hard forcing myself to go to support group meetings, call someone on the phone and say hey lets go have coffee/lunch etc. but I do it now.

    Different than the everyday folks I live with. It is hard to get it together but we manage somehow - who can still drive, who has a van that can carry this or that ... actual it can be quite amusing just working out the logistics of it all.

    My job and I do it well is to get lost at least twice, forget to fill the gas tank, and drive by the correct exit . ...

    If getting pissed off gets you out of the funk I hope your really freaking p.o.'s about something right now :)

  4. Zoom - can your nurse case manager come to your assistance on this front? Do you know what the criteria are for your LTD determination ... does your approval by Social Security carry any weight with them?

    I think depression is a legitimate reaction to Ernie's failing health, let alone dealing with bureaucrats from the LTD insurer and issues with navigation. I've been impressed while reading your blog with how level-headed you are in general. I'm sure that'll return.

  5. How's it going?
    Just checking.

  6. 20 years into MS spouse caregiving I can tell you that Patti has to confirm that she is still disabled on average about every two years.:) Even though she can no longer see or understand the paperwork. I suspect the purpose is to hope you stumble and miss a reconfirmation and they can discontinue your coverage. Make sure to include your caregiver in the process so you have back up support in the years ahead.

    Caregivingly Yours, Patrick